Birthday Wishes

We have another birthday party to go to today, and I can't wait. Hillary is still young enough to enjoy these occasions without any self-consciousness, anxiety, or social angst of any kind. I love watching her pure joy as she participates in the dancing, games, and fun. As the birthday boy blows out his candles this year, I'll join him in a silent wish. My wish will be that Hillary will hold on to this joy as long as she possibly can, and that I'll find a way to help her.

Can I Stay Here When I'm a Grown-Up?

Hillary woke up with a fever this morning, so we had no need to engage in our usual mad rush to get her out of bed, dressed, fed, and off to school. As Hillary woke up slowly, she sleepily asked, "Mommy, when I'm a grown up can I still stay here?" I answered of course she could, and asked her why she wanted to stay here when she's all grown up. She said, "because I love you." My heart melted, but it made me think about how different her wishes will be in only a short time. In just a few years, Hillary will continue to feel a strong pull to stay where she feels safe and loved, and an equally powerful pull toward independence and new experiences.

All I wanted to do at that moment was hold her close and savor her dependence on me, but I know that it's my job to foster her growing independence.

Developmental transitions can be difficult for children and parents. Children have to face growing demands and expectations as they get older, and parents have to adjust to a child who needs them in different ways. We seem to have successfully managed Hillary's transition to kindergarten, but it was not without its challenges. We negotiated questions such as how much do we allow Hillary to cope with a stressful class environment, and how much do we intervene by speaking to the teacher?

Families can get themselves into trouble by not adapting as their children and conditions change. But adapting is not easy and comes with many questions and doubts.

How has your family adapted to your growing children?

Compliance or Automony: The Red Sweater Dilemma

This morning, we took the photograph for our annual holiday card. Amanda (19) and Hillary (5) wore cheerful red sweaters and posed in the backyard with our collie and labrador retriever. Both girls seem happy and the scene is peaceful. Our friends and relatives will have no idea that strife visited our household before that picture, all because Hillary didn't want to wear her red sweater for the photograph.

What Hillary wears has been a source of family conflict ever since she decided she would wear only boys clothes when she was 3 1/2. Frankly, this was painful for me. I'd always thought that one of the joys of having a little girl was getting to dress her in all those cute little outfits they sell for girls. Suddenly, my little girl only wanted to dress in baggy sweats and t-shirts. I've always believed, though, that children should have some control over their lives. Choosing what they wear seems like a harmless way for them to have a say and shows respect for their opinions. Others in my family told me, though, that I should lay down the law and tell her she had to wear girls' clothes. I had always resisted that advice, mostly because when I had tried it in the past she had complied but sobbed inconsolably. It hurt me to see her so unhappy over something so unimportant. I was happy to lay down the law over issues of safety, health, and even good manners, but this just seemed unnecessary to me.

Now, a year and a half later, because I haven't made what she wears the focus of a constant power struggle, Hillary has begun to incorporate more girls' clothes into her wardrobe. I believe that if I had forced the issue, my stubborn little girl would refuse to wear anything but boys' clothes just as a matter of principle.

So, back to this morning and getting dressed for the holiday photograph. Hillary didn't want to wear the outfit I had chosen for the photograph. Instead of a boy's red sweater, she was insisting on wearing a blue and white one. Today, though, I decided that Hillary didn't have a choice about what she would wear. The family had decided to wear red sweaters for the photograph, and Hillary is a member of this family.

Achieving the balance between asserting our legitimate authority and respecting the autonomy of our children can be a tricky balance. It's very important that our children understand that we respect their wishes and that they get to be a part of the conversation. It's also important, however, that they recognize that they're not in charge, and that they can be flexible in order to meet the needs of the family. The trick is in knowing when to stand firm and when to bend.

What do you think?