The Power Struggle Trap

I spent the first thirteen years of my professional life working in a day treatment program for severely emotionally disturbed children. Most of the children were in the program because of their highly oppositional and aggressive behavior. The children could be very difficult to work with, but the program was wonderful and allowed the children to attend school in small, supportive classrooms and and receive all of their mental health services in the same place. We were also an internship site, and we always had three or four clinical psychology graduate students to train. One day, I walked into our clinical office and found one of the interns I supervised (let's call her Ms. Green, based on her youth and inexperience) locked in a power struggle over whether or not twelve-year-old Nicholas would return to class to do his work. Here's what Ms. Green and Nicholas were saying when I entered to room:

Nicholas, in a taunting, sing-song voice, said "I don't have to go back to class because I'm Mr. Jones (the program's adaptive physical education teacher)."

Ms. Green: "You are not Mr. Jones. Go back to your classroom."
Nicholas: "I'm Mr. Jones."
Ms. Green: "No, you're not! You're Nicholas!"
Nicholas: "NO, I'M MR. JONES!"
Ms. Green: "NO, YOU'RE NICHOLAS!"

As their voices became louder and louder, Ms. Green's face got redder and redder, and Nicholas was no closer to returning to class, I decided it was time to give Ms. Green a hand and help her dig herself out of her self-imposed misery. I walked over and whispered into her ear, "Nicholas knows he's not Mr. Jones." Her eyes opened wide as it suddenly hit her how foolish the entire episode was, she laughed, the mood shifted, and she was able to get Nicholas back to class.

This is an extreme and even absurd example of a power struggle between a child and an adult, but similar interactions go on all the time between parents and their children. Power struggles are so easy to get into and so seductive. While you're in the middle of one, you become intensely focused on winning at all costs. Never mind that your opponent in the struggle is a child, that you've descended to the child's level, and that it will be all but impossible to get out of the struggle without losing your dignity and your self-respect, or without imposing a much harsher consequence than you intended or the original situation warranted. The only way to win a power struggle with a child is to not engage in one in the first place.

Some thoughts about power struggles:

1. It doesn't make sense for the adult to get caught up in concerns about winning a power struggle. You may not realize it in the heat of the moment, but because you are the adult, you ultimately have the power and you win by default. Any struggle is absolutely unnecessary.

2. Power struggles only increase the level of anger and frustration of both the child and the adult. The earlier you disengage from the struggle, the easier it will be to get your child to do what you wanted in the first place.

It's Your Turn

Do you have any power struggle stories to tell. What do you do when your child tries to engage you in a power struggle?

Next Time: Avoiding Power Struggles

Giving Effective Commands

Whenever I start work with a new family, I sit down with the parent or parents and together we discuss what they would like to work on. We identify what's going well and what needs improvement. One thing I hear over and over again from parents is that they'd like their children to "listen" better. I've had many of these conversations with parents over the last twenty years, and I've found that many of the parents I've worked with have been confused about why their children aren't listening and don't know where to start, other than yelling at their children or punishing them. In actuality, a few small changes in the way parents communicate with their children can produce great changes for families, if they're done consistently and with conviction. Here's what I teach parents who want their children to "listen" better.

Make sure you have your child's attention. You can do this by moving close to your child, saying his name, putting a hand on his shoulder, and not speaking until you’ve made eye contact. It's also helpful to get rid of any distractions that might interfere with your delivering your message. Turn off the TV, video game, or computer if your child doesn’t give you his full attention.

Communicate that you’re very serious about what you’re about to say. Our children pay attention not only to what we say, but to how we sound (tone of voice), and what we look like (facial expression, gestures) when we communicate with them. It's very important that your facial expression and your tone of voice match the message you intend to deliver. Some parents get into trouble because they issue a command as if they're making a request or giving a choice. Others communicate that they're unsure of themselves or feel guilty. It sometimes helps to practice with your partner or a friend so you can get feedback on how you're giving commands. You want to make sure that your message, your tone of voice, your facial expression, and your gestures communicate that you are serious about what you're asking your child do to. Your voice should be calm and firm, your eye contact direct, and your gestures should be sending the same firm and direct message.

For younger children, use one-step directions. Some children get overwhelmed by a long string of commands and can't remember everything they've been asked to do. Here's an example of what not to do when your child gets home from school: "Take off your coat, hang it up in the closet, change your clothes, and then come into the kitchen for your snack." Younger children do better if you give then one command at a time.

Try to use "do" commands instead of "stop" commands. Often, parents tell their children what they shouldn't be doing and don't realize that their children may not know what they should be doing. Here are some examples:

• Instead of saying, "Stop yelling so loud," you can say, "Use an inside voice."
• Instead of saying, "Stop teasing your little sister," you can say, "Help your little sister."
• Instead of saying, "Stop leaving your room such a mess," you can say, "Put all of your dirty clothes in the hamper and put all the dirty dishes and glasses you've been collecting in there in the dishwasher."

Never give more than two warnings before administering a negative consequence. This rule became very relevant for my husband and me yesterday during our visit to the New York Botanical Garden with our almost three-year-old daughter. Hillary wanted to stand on the ledge of an artificial pond with a fascinating variety of lily pads and other aquatic plants. I told her that she could stand on the ledge as long as she held my hand. Hillary didn't like this idea and tried to pull away from me. After two warnings, we carried her away from the pond. (Yes, she was kicking and screaming in front of a crowd of people! More on handling temper tantrums in public in a later post.) It's important to us that Hillary know that we mean what we say, even when we're out of the house and in public. Giving more than two warnings only serves to extend a power struggle and increase the frustration and anger that can be generated in these situations.

Be prepared to follow through - never make empty threats. This may be the most important rule of all. It means that you should never set a consequence you're not prepared to enforce. Parents should stay away from saying things like, If you don't stop, I'm going to "call the police," "give you away," "ground you for life," "take away your TV for two months," "sell you to the gypsies," etc. These are consequences that are either clearly unrealistic or too difficult to carry out.

Have a plan for noncompliance. It can be very helpful to think ahead about what you'll do if your children don't comply with a command you've given them. Your responses should increase in severity with each refusal to comply. For example, the first time you ask and don't get compliance, you might make your voice more stern and provide some physical guidance, like walking your child to her room if you want it cleaned up. The second time you ask, you might tell her about a negative consequence you'll administer if she doesn't comply. The third time, you might administer that consequence. So, for example, you might not let her go out with friends until the room is clean. Here are some questions to ask yourself before you give a command:

1. What will you say or do when your child doesn’t do the stated behavior?
2. What will you say and do next if your child doesn’t comply?
3. What will you say and do now?
4. Are you able and prepared to follow through with the negative consequence you've chosen.

It's Your Turn
I'd love to hear if any of you have tried these techniques and how they worked for you. I'd also love to hear your suggestions for getting children to listen to their parents.

Next Time - Avoiding Power Struggles

The Most Common Reasons Children Don't Believe that We Mean What We Say

I once had a boss who would meet with me weekly. He was (and still is) a brilliant man full of creative and sophisticated ideas for how our program could serve children in need. It was my job to figure out how to take his ideas and translate them into real-life projects and programs. After each of our meetings, I would walk out of his office with a long list of things to do before our next meeting. The list usually included doing extensive searches of scholarly journals, calling national experts, and writing large funding proposals – all by the following week! At first, I used to leave the office with a sick and hopeless feeling, knowing that what he’d asked me to do would be absolutely impossible to accomplish by the next week, even if I took up permanent residence in my office and worked 24 hours a day. It only took a few weeks of this to learn, though, that my boss would forget three quarters of what he’d asked me to do and at our next meeting would follow-up on only a few of the tasks he’d given me. Once I figured out how to tell which of his ideas he was serious about, I’d ignore the rest and only work on the important ones.

Our children are like me in the story above. They quickly learn to ignore us when we don’t follow up with something we’ve asked them to do. In fact, we actively teach our children not to do what we say when we fail to follow through. If we tell them we want them to clean their room, and then don’t check that they’ve done it or introduce some sort of consequence when they don’t, they’ll conclude that we didn’t really mean it in the first place and save themselves the trouble.

I was visiting a friend recently and we were sitting in her kitchen catching up over a few cups of coffee. My friend called into the other room where her children were playing video games and told them that it was time to do their homework. Ten minutes later, we could still hear the children in the other room laughing and playing their game. My friend yelled at them again to start their homework. We got involved in a discussion about what our group of good friends from college was doing now, and it wasn’t until another 20 minutes had passed that we realized that my friend’s children were still in the den playing video games. The children had obviously concluded that their mother wasn’t really serious about what she had asked them to do. They would have drawn a very different conclusion if my friend had walked into the den, turned the TV off, and watched over them as they marched to their rooms to do their homework.

Why do we so often send the message to our children that we don’t really mean what we say? Why don’t we follow through on our directives to them and why don’t we follow up with a consequence if they don’t do what we ask? I think this happens for the following reasons:
1. We don’t know how to do it effectively
2. We’re too tired
3. We’re afraid of their emotional reaction if we do
4. We feel guilty

Some parents don’t know how to give effective commands to their children and follow them up with appropriate consequences. They often communicate with their children in indirect, vague ways or alternatively, in overly complicated ways. These same parents also don’t know how to respond to noncompliance with appropriate consequences. Much more on this in the next couple of posts.

Some parents know what to do, but are too tired to follow up. It takes energy to get up and walk into the other room, make sure our children are doing what we asked, and administer consequences if needed. Over the years, I’ve learned not to ask my children to do something if I know that I’m too tired to follow up. Most of the time, it can wait until I’m better rested.

Some parents are uncomfortable with conflict and avoid it at all costs. They would rather drop the issue than push it and have to deal with their child’s anger, upset, or a temper tantrum.

Some parents feel guilty about disciplining their children. I’ve seen this most often with working parents who feel that they spend so little time with their child and don’t want that time to be spent in a negative interaction.

These are all understandable reasons for not following through on things we ask our children to do, but unfortunately, they all end with our directly teaching our children that they don’t have to listen to us if they don’t want to.

Next Time: How to Communicate Effectively with your children

What it Takes to Get Your Children to Listen to You

During my most recent trip to Toys 'R Us to look for a small pool for my daughter Hillary, I came upon an upsetting scene involving a very frustated young mother and her son, who seemed to be about seven years old. The little boy wanted his mother to buy him a video game, and he refused to put it down when his mother said no. After asking him for the toy three times and then yelling at him to put it back, she tried to grab it from him. He pulled away from her and ran to the other end of the store. She followed him, but when she would get close to him, he would run away again. In frustration, she told him that she was going to call the police to come and arrest him. She took out her cell phone, pretended to dial 911, and started talking to the "operator." The little boy immediately dropped the toy, started to cry hysterically, and begged his mother to tell the policeman not to come.

This mother's strategy worked - she got her child to listen to her and do what she wanted. She found a solution that was effective in the short term. Unfortunately, what she did in the long-term was actively teach her child not to listen to her. First, she delegated her authority to someone else - the fictional policeman. Second, she'll be able to use this method only until her son figures out that his mother wasn't telling him the truth. All he'll have to do is not respond to this threat once, and when the police don't come storming in, he'll know that his mother was lying to him. This mother will not be successful in convincing her child that she means what she says.

In my years of working with children and families, it's become clear that four things are necessary to get your children to listen to you:

1. You must convince them that you mean what you say.

2. Your children must trust that you know what's best for them.

3. Your children must feel that they're capable of doing what you're asking of them and capable of pleasing you.

4. Your children must be motivated to please you.

We'll spend some time on each of these necessary steps over the next several posts. We'll start next time with the most common reasons children don't believe that we mean what we say.

Introduction and Questions for Self-Reflection

This is a new blog that I hope will address the concerns of parents who are having trouble managing their children. I’ve been a child psychologist for the last 20 years, and have worked with parents of all kinds. Many have been parents of children with severe emotional and behavioral disorders, and many have come into contact with the child welfare system because they’ve resorted to using abusive discipline. I’m also the mother of an almost three-year-old daughter with a strong will, a mind of her own, and the smarts to give me a run for my money. I’m fortunate to have my beautiful seventeen-year-old step-daughter living with us now almost full-time, so, although it would be difficult to find a more lovely, grounded, unselfish teenager, having an adolescent in the house does come with its challenges.

Some Questions for Self-Reflection

Before we begin talking about how to manage our children, let’s spend some time talking about being a parent. Parenting is hard. In fact, parenting is really, really hard. I’d venture to say that parenting is the most important job anyone could take on, yet we don’t need a license or degree to do it. And unfortunately, many children grow up with parents who are frighteningly unprepared to do the job. Over the years I’ve worked with many parents who have hurt their children, even though they felt they were doing the best they could. In fact, most abusive parents are under enormous stress, have very few resources, and don’t have anyone to teach them how to be a good parent.

It took becoming a mother, though, to really understand how easily it would be to join the ranks of the abusers. I’m horribly embarrassed to think about how easily I can become frustrated and enraged by a whining, defiant toddler. Before I became a parent, I never anticipated how my prodigious patience and years of experience could so easily go out the window when I’m stressed for time or tired.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to pull myself back from the brink of hurting my child by always remembering that I have goals for myself as a parent and goals for my child. It’s very important to me, when my beautiful daughter looks back on her years with me, that she remember always feeling safe and loved. It’s important to me that she grow up feeling optimistic about the world and her capabilities, and not frightened and distrustful. These goals help keep me in line when I’m feeling angry, resentful, and that “this child deserves to be taught a good, strong lesson,” feelings that can often lead parents to use abusive discipline.

So, here are some questions for self-reflection. The answers will help you avoid treating your children in ways that were hurtful to you as a child and guide you toward being the parent you want to be:

1. What is your worst memory of an interaction with a parent or someone who took care of you?
2. What is your best memory of an interaction with a parent or someone who took care of you?
3. How would you like to be remembered as a parent?
4. What are your long-term goals for your children?

Next Time: What it takes to Get Your Children to Listen to You