Introduction and Questions for Self-Reflection

This is a new blog that I hope will address the concerns of parents who are having trouble managing their children. I’ve been a child psychologist for the last 20 years, and have worked with parents of all kinds. Many have been parents of children with severe emotional and behavioral disorders, and many have come into contact with the child welfare system because they’ve resorted to using abusive discipline. I’m also the mother of an almost three-year-old daughter with a strong will, a mind of her own, and the smarts to give me a run for my money. I’m fortunate to have my beautiful seventeen-year-old step-daughter living with us now almost full-time, so, although it would be difficult to find a more lovely, grounded, unselfish teenager, having an adolescent in the house does come with its challenges.

Some Questions for Self-Reflection

Before we begin talking about how to manage our children, let’s spend some time talking about being a parent. Parenting is hard. In fact, parenting is really, really hard. I’d venture to say that parenting is the most important job anyone could take on, yet we don’t need a license or degree to do it. And unfortunately, many children grow up with parents who are frighteningly unprepared to do the job. Over the years I’ve worked with many parents who have hurt their children, even though they felt they were doing the best they could. In fact, most abusive parents are under enormous stress, have very few resources, and don’t have anyone to teach them how to be a good parent.

It took becoming a mother, though, to really understand how easily it would be to join the ranks of the abusers. I’m horribly embarrassed to think about how easily I can become frustrated and enraged by a whining, defiant toddler. Before I became a parent, I never anticipated how my prodigious patience and years of experience could so easily go out the window when I’m stressed for time or tired.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to pull myself back from the brink of hurting my child by always remembering that I have goals for myself as a parent and goals for my child. It’s very important to me, when my beautiful daughter looks back on her years with me, that she remember always feeling safe and loved. It’s important to me that she grow up feeling optimistic about the world and her capabilities, and not frightened and distrustful. These goals help keep me in line when I’m feeling angry, resentful, and that “this child deserves to be taught a good, strong lesson,” feelings that can often lead parents to use abusive discipline.

So, here are some questions for self-reflection. The answers will help you avoid treating your children in ways that were hurtful to you as a child and guide you toward being the parent you want to be:

1. What is your worst memory of an interaction with a parent or someone who took care of you?
2. What is your best memory of an interaction with a parent or someone who took care of you?
3. How would you like to be remembered as a parent?
4. What are your long-term goals for your children?

Next Time: What it takes to Get Your Children to Listen to You