Avoiding Power Struggles Part 2: Using Logical Consequences

Sometimes it takes courage to avoid getting into power struggles with your children. You have to have the courage to stick to your guns, tolerate the emotions expressed by a very upset child, and resist the urge to give in, especially when you’re in public. Last time, we spoke about using distraction and reframing as ways to avoid power struggles. When either of those strategies isn’t effective, one of the best strategies for avoiding a power struggle is to quickly set a logical consequence for noncompliance and stick to it.

A logical consequence is one that is directly related to your child’s misbehavior.
Logical consequences make sense, so they help children quickly learn the connection between their misbehavior and the negative outcome. Applying an arbitrary negative consequence won’t help your child learn as well. Here are some examples of logical and arbitrary consequences:

Misbehavior - Your child throws a toy at his brother.
Arbitrary Consequence - You spank your child.
Logical Consequence - You take the toy away from your child and tell him that he can’t play with it again until tomorrow.

Misbehavior - Your child doesn’t finish her homework.
Arbitrary Consequence - You tell your child that she can’t have dessert.
Logical Consequence - You don’t allow your child to watch TV until after she finishes her homework. (This is especially effective if your child is looking forward to watching a favorite show.)

Misbehavior - Your child won’t clean up his toys.
Arbitrary Consequence - You yell and scream at your child.
Logical Consequence - You don’t allow your child to play with any other toys until he picks up the ones on the floor.

Misbehavior - Your child refuses to get dressed for school.
Arbitrary Consequence - Your child isn’t allowed to watch TV that day.
Logical Consequence - You send your child to school in her pajamas.

Let’s spend some time on my last example. Many parents have let me know that they go through a daily power struggle with their children around getting them dressed and ready for school in time. Invariably, they get into a pattern of terrible, upsetting mornings with their children, as they race against the clock in order to get their resistant children cleaned, brushed, fed, and packed up for the day. The problem is confounded because the parents, if they work outside of the home, often have to get the same tasks completed for themselves before they start their day. It can become a time of day that many parents and children dread.

My advice to the parents I worked with has always been to warn their children that they will go to school in whatever state of readiness they happen to be in when it’s time to leave. If they’re still in their pajamas, they’ll be sent to school in their pajamas. If they haven’t eaten breakfast, they’ll go to school without breakfast.

Important note: I always tell parents to let their child’s teacher know what’s happening at home and what they’re planning. Teachers and school personnel should be included in the plan for two reasons. First, school personnel can be helpful and reinforce the parent’s efforts. Second, an uninformed teacher might assume that the child is coming to school in pajamas because the parent is neglectful. Letting the child’s teacher into the plan can prevent a call to child protective services.

Sending a child school in whatever state of readiness they happen to be in when it’s time to leave is a very effective consequence. As well as being a logical outcome of noncompliant behavior, it has the added benefit of having additional naturally occurring negative consequences. So, a child who goes to school in pajamas will probably experience some embarrassment and will avoid that in the future. A child who goes to school hungry will experience temporary hunger, and will try to avoid that in the future. (I know there are some parents out there who will have trouble allowing their children to experience the emotional or physical discomfort we’re talking about here. Remember, neither one of these consequences is fatal, but they’re both highly effective).

E. Bailey wrote about a parent who was having trouble getting her child ready in the morning in Dissipating Power Struggles With Your Children. [Online] Available: http://add.about.com/cs/forparents/a/powerstruggles_p.htm. [2004, October 24]
It’s a wonderful description of what I’ve been talking about. Here’s what one mother did to avoid a power struggle with her son:

Her five-year-old son was refusing to get dressed by himself, crying, throwing tantrums and screaming that he was not able to dress himself, even though he would previously dress himself without help. Mornings before school were becoming difficult at best and a major scene at worst. Each morning she would yell, each morning he would defiantly sit and look at his clothes, refusing to put them on. The mother decided to end this one morning, and instead of yelling, calmly told her child that he could choose to get dressed or he could choose to go to school in his pajamas. Then she walked away and went on with her morning routine. The child continued to cry and yell and she ignored him. Every five minutes, she would update him on how long was left until they left for school and reminded him he would go in his pajamas and bare feet. When she was ready to leave the house, he was at the back door, dressed and ready to go. She hugged him for doing a great job getting dressed and they left.
Fortunately, this mother didn’t have to call her child’s bluff. He complied the first time she tried this. A few things are important to notice:

1. This mother told the child the possible consequence calmly and without emotion. This is very important because it sends an immediate message to the child that says, “I’m in control.”
2. Once the boy complied, the mother immediately rewarded him with positive attention, rather than continuing to act angry. She sent a very clear message that not getting dressed results in removal of attention and a logical consequence, and getting dressed results in positive attention.

It’s Your Turn:

• How would you feel if your child went to school in pajamas and with bare feet?
• What are the power struggles you’re currently having with your child?
• What strategies have you used to successfully avoid power struggles?

How to Avoid Power Struggles - Part 1

We talked last time about why it’s so important to avoid power struggles. Over the next several posts, we'll talk about how to avoid getting locked into unproductive battles with your children. Today, we'll discuss two strategies: distraction and reframing. Power struggles, by definition, result in someone having to lose the battle. I love distraction and reframing because, when done well, these strategies result in win-win situations. They allow your child to "save face" while complying with your directions. You both win!

Let’s use the following situation as our example for all of the suggestions to follow. Your child picks up an expensive toy in a toy store and asks you to buy it for him. You say no and ask him to put the toy back. He refuses. What can you do?

Strategy #1: Distraction
Distraction involves shifting your child from the struggle by drawing his attention to something or someone else. In the example above, I would pretend that I never heard him refuse to return the toy to the self and I would say one of the following:

1. Look other there. Isn’t that the toy your friend Will wants for his birthday. Let’s get it for him.


2. Hey, didn’t you tell me you want a new video game for your birthday. Let’s go over and look at the games so you can give me a few suggestions. Then when it’s your birthday I’ll have a few ideas about what to get.


3. It’s almost five o’clock. Doesn’t your favorite show start in a ½ hour? We’d better get going if you don’t want to miss the show.

When you use distraction, you refuse to become a participant in a power struggle. Possibly the best thing about distraction, though, is that you give your child the opportunity to do the right thing and save face at the same time. I’ve found that distraction is one of the best techniques for avoiding power struggles for children of all ages. It requires some quick thinking and I've found that parents get better at it the more they use it.

Strategy #2: Reframing

Reframing is a tricky little strategy that involves reinterpreting your child’s defiance as compliance. When I directed a therapeutic nursery program for severely emotionally disturbed preschool children, I worked with a young teacher who was the queen of reframing. (Ms. Stacey, if you’re out there, thank you for being such a wonderful, creative, and loving teacher, and for giving me such a great example for teaching reframing!) One day, Ms. Stacey decided that she had to do something about the way that one of her young students handled frustration, which was to go over to the large, covered plastic garbage can in the room, take off the cover, and fling it across the room. I was doing an observation in her room one day when I was lucky enough to see her brilliant intervention. As expected, the child became frustrated and started heading over to his favorite garbage pail. Ms. Stacey quickly grabbed a piece of scrap paper and rolled it into a ball. As the child lifted the garbage pail lid, Ms. Stacy threw the paper into the garage pail and thanked him for opening the pail for her. The child first looked at her as if she were crazy, and then smiled at her and returned to his seat. Ms. Stacy’s masterful intervention had not only averted a power struggle, but had also, if only in a small way, changed the way this child thought about himself. Instead of being a kid who always did something bad when he was frustrated, he became a kid who was helpful to a teacher when he was frustrated.

For our toy store example, I might say:

1. Thanks for showing me one of the toys you want. Maybe it will be one of your birthday presents.


2. I’m so glad you just picked up that toy! Thanks for reminding me that I have to get a gift for your cousin. Come help me pick it out.


3. Oh my! Look at the dirt on that shelf. Thanks for not putting it back right on top of it. Let's put it here instead.

I love reframing because it allows your child to appear to be helpful while also saving face - both of you get to win.

Next Time - Avoiding Power Struggles - Part 2