How to Avoid Power Struggles - Part 1

We talked last time about why it’s so important to avoid power struggles. Over the next several posts, we'll talk about how to avoid getting locked into unproductive battles with your children. Today, we'll discuss two strategies: distraction and reframing. Power struggles, by definition, result in someone having to lose the battle. I love distraction and reframing because, when done well, these strategies result in win-win situations. They allow your child to "save face" while complying with your directions. You both win!

Let’s use the following situation as our example for all of the suggestions to follow. Your child picks up an expensive toy in a toy store and asks you to buy it for him. You say no and ask him to put the toy back. He refuses. What can you do?

Strategy #1: Distraction
Distraction involves shifting your child from the struggle by drawing his attention to something or someone else. In the example above, I would pretend that I never heard him refuse to return the toy to the self and I would say one of the following:

1. Look other there. Isn’t that the toy your friend Will wants for his birthday. Let’s get it for him.


2. Hey, didn’t you tell me you want a new video game for your birthday. Let’s go over and look at the games so you can give me a few suggestions. Then when it’s your birthday I’ll have a few ideas about what to get.


3. It’s almost five o’clock. Doesn’t your favorite show start in a ½ hour? We’d better get going if you don’t want to miss the show.

When you use distraction, you refuse to become a participant in a power struggle. Possibly the best thing about distraction, though, is that you give your child the opportunity to do the right thing and save face at the same time. I’ve found that distraction is one of the best techniques for avoiding power struggles for children of all ages. It requires some quick thinking and I've found that parents get better at it the more they use it.

Strategy #2: Reframing

Reframing is a tricky little strategy that involves reinterpreting your child’s defiance as compliance. When I directed a therapeutic nursery program for severely emotionally disturbed preschool children, I worked with a young teacher who was the queen of reframing. (Ms. Stacey, if you’re out there, thank you for being such a wonderful, creative, and loving teacher, and for giving me such a great example for teaching reframing!) One day, Ms. Stacey decided that she had to do something about the way that one of her young students handled frustration, which was to go over to the large, covered plastic garbage can in the room, take off the cover, and fling it across the room. I was doing an observation in her room one day when I was lucky enough to see her brilliant intervention. As expected, the child became frustrated and started heading over to his favorite garbage pail. Ms. Stacey quickly grabbed a piece of scrap paper and rolled it into a ball. As the child lifted the garbage pail lid, Ms. Stacy threw the paper into the garage pail and thanked him for opening the pail for her. The child first looked at her as if she were crazy, and then smiled at her and returned to his seat. Ms. Stacy’s masterful intervention had not only averted a power struggle, but had also, if only in a small way, changed the way this child thought about himself. Instead of being a kid who always did something bad when he was frustrated, he became a kid who was helpful to a teacher when he was frustrated.

For our toy store example, I might say:

1. Thanks for showing me one of the toys you want. Maybe it will be one of your birthday presents.


2. I’m so glad you just picked up that toy! Thanks for reminding me that I have to get a gift for your cousin. Come help me pick it out.


3. Oh my! Look at the dirt on that shelf. Thanks for not putting it back right on top of it. Let's put it here instead.

I love reframing because it allows your child to appear to be helpful while also saving face - both of you get to win.

Next Time - Avoiding Power Struggles - Part 2