I spent the first thirteen years of my professional life working in a day treatment program for severely emotionally disturbed children. Most of the children were in the program because of their highly oppositional and aggressive behavior. The children could be very difficult to work with, but the program was wonderful and allowed the children to attend school in small, supportive classrooms and and receive all of their mental health services in the same place. We were also an internship site, and we always had three or four clinical psychology graduate students to train. One day, I walked into our clinical office and found one of the interns I supervised (let's call her Ms. Green, based on her youth and inexperience) locked in a power struggle over whether or not twelve-year-old Nicholas would return to class to do his work. Here's what Ms. Green and Nicholas were saying when I entered to room:
Nicholas, in a taunting, sing-song voice, said "I don't have to go back to class because I'm Mr. Jones (the program's adaptive physical education teacher)."
Ms. Green: "You are not Mr. Jones. Go back to your classroom."
Nicholas: "I'm Mr. Jones."
Ms. Green: "No, you're not! You're Nicholas!"
Nicholas: "NO, I'M MR. JONES!"
Ms. Green: "NO, YOU'RE NICHOLAS!"
As their voices became louder and louder, Ms. Green's face got redder and redder, and Nicholas was no closer to returning to class, I decided it was time to give Ms. Green a hand and help her dig herself out of her self-imposed misery. I walked over and whispered into her ear, "Nicholas knows he's not Mr. Jones." Her eyes opened wide as it suddenly hit her how foolish the entire episode was, she laughed, the mood shifted, and she was able to get Nicholas back to class.
This is an extreme and even absurd example of a power struggle between a child and an adult, but similar interactions go on all the time between parents and their children. Power struggles are so easy to get into and so seductive. While you're in the middle of one, you become intensely focused on winning at all costs. Never mind that your opponent in the struggle is a child, that you've descended to the child's level, and that it will be all but impossible to get out of the struggle without losing your dignity and your self-respect, or without imposing a much harsher consequence than you intended or the original situation warranted. The only way to win a power struggle with a child is to not engage in one in the first place.
Some thoughts about power struggles:
1. It doesn't make sense for the adult to get caught up in concerns about winning a power struggle. You may not realize it in the heat of the moment, but because you are the adult, you ultimately have the power and you win by default. Any struggle is absolutely unnecessary.
2. Power struggles only increase the level of anger and frustration of both the child and the adult. The earlier you disengage from the struggle, the easier it will be to get your child to do what you wanted in the first place.
It's Your Turn
Nicholas, in a taunting, sing-song voice, said "I don't have to go back to class because I'm Mr. Jones (the program's adaptive physical education teacher)."
Ms. Green: "You are not Mr. Jones. Go back to your classroom."
Nicholas: "I'm Mr. Jones."
Ms. Green: "No, you're not! You're Nicholas!"
Nicholas: "NO, I'M MR. JONES!"
Ms. Green: "NO, YOU'RE NICHOLAS!"
As their voices became louder and louder, Ms. Green's face got redder and redder, and Nicholas was no closer to returning to class, I decided it was time to give Ms. Green a hand and help her dig herself out of her self-imposed misery. I walked over and whispered into her ear, "Nicholas knows he's not Mr. Jones." Her eyes opened wide as it suddenly hit her how foolish the entire episode was, she laughed, the mood shifted, and she was able to get Nicholas back to class.
This is an extreme and even absurd example of a power struggle between a child and an adult, but similar interactions go on all the time between parents and their children. Power struggles are so easy to get into and so seductive. While you're in the middle of one, you become intensely focused on winning at all costs. Never mind that your opponent in the struggle is a child, that you've descended to the child's level, and that it will be all but impossible to get out of the struggle without losing your dignity and your self-respect, or without imposing a much harsher consequence than you intended or the original situation warranted. The only way to win a power struggle with a child is to not engage in one in the first place.
Some thoughts about power struggles:
1. It doesn't make sense for the adult to get caught up in concerns about winning a power struggle. You may not realize it in the heat of the moment, but because you are the adult, you ultimately have the power and you win by default. Any struggle is absolutely unnecessary.
2. Power struggles only increase the level of anger and frustration of both the child and the adult. The earlier you disengage from the struggle, the easier it will be to get your child to do what you wanted in the first place.
It's Your Turn
Do you have any power struggle stories to tell. What do you do when your child tries to engage you in a power struggle?
Next Time: Avoiding Power Struggles
2 comments:
Although my son cannot even speak yet, sometime I feel as if I am having these battles with him daily!
My two older boys have not yet reached the age where they realize they can argue back. Our word is still the law of the land but I know the preteen days are right around the corner. In preparation of that I look forward to your post on how to avoid power struggles!
Hi Lu,
Thanks for your comment! I'm working on the next post now. The power stuggles look and feel different depending on the age of the fellow combatant. I know from personal experience - I've got a toddler and a teenager! I'm hoping to give strategies that will be relevant to all ages. Again, thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment!
Post a Comment