What it Takes to Get Your Children to Listen to You

During my most recent trip to Toys 'R Us to look for a small pool for my daughter Hillary, I came upon an upsetting scene involving a very frustated young mother and her son, who seemed to be about seven years old. The little boy wanted his mother to buy him a video game, and he refused to put it down when his mother said no. After asking him for the toy three times and then yelling at him to put it back, she tried to grab it from him. He pulled away from her and ran to the other end of the store. She followed him, but when she would get close to him, he would run away again. In frustration, she told him that she was going to call the police to come and arrest him. She took out her cell phone, pretended to dial 911, and started talking to the "operator." The little boy immediately dropped the toy, started to cry hysterically, and begged his mother to tell the policeman not to come.

This mother's strategy worked - she got her child to listen to her and do what she wanted. She found a solution that was effective in the short term. Unfortunately, what she did in the long-term was actively teach her child not to listen to her. First, she delegated her authority to someone else - the fictional policeman. Second, she'll be able to use this method only until her son figures out that his mother wasn't telling him the truth. All he'll have to do is not respond to this threat once, and when the police don't come storming in, he'll know that his mother was lying to him. This mother will not be successful in convincing her child that she means what she says.

In my years of working with children and families, it's become clear that four things are necessary to get your children to listen to you:

1. You must convince them that you mean what you say.

2. Your children must trust that you know what's best for them.

3. Your children must feel that they're capable of doing what you're asking of them and capable of pleasing you.

4. Your children must be motivated to please you.

We'll spend some time on each of these necessary steps over the next several posts. We'll start next time with the most common reasons children don't believe that we mean what we say.