Sometimes it takes courage to avoid getting into power struggles with your children. You have to have the courage to stick to your guns, tolerate the emotions expressed by a very upset child, and resist the urge to give in, especially when you’re in public. Last time, we spoke about using distraction and reframing as ways to avoid power struggles. When either of those strategies isn’t effective, one of the best strategies for avoiding a power struggle is to quickly set a logical consequence for noncompliance and stick to it.
A logical consequence is one that is directly related to your child’s misbehavior.
Logical consequences make sense, so they help children quickly learn the connection between their misbehavior and the negative outcome. Applying an arbitrary negative consequence won’t help your child learn as well. Here are some examples of logical and arbitrary consequences:
Misbehavior - Your child throws a toy at his brother.
Arbitrary Consequence - You spank your child.
Logical Consequence - You take the toy away from your child and tell him that he can’t play with it again until tomorrow.
Misbehavior - Your child doesn’t finish her homework.
Arbitrary Consequence - You tell your child that she can’t have dessert.
Logical Consequence - You don’t allow your child to watch TV until after she finishes her homework. (This is especially effective if your child is looking forward to watching a favorite show.)
Misbehavior - Your child won’t clean up his toys.
Arbitrary Consequence - You yell and scream at your child.
Logical Consequence - You don’t allow your child to play with any other toys until he picks up the ones on the floor.
Misbehavior - Your child refuses to get dressed for school.
Arbitrary Consequence - Your child isn’t allowed to watch TV that day.
Logical Consequence - You send your child to school in her pajamas.
Let’s spend some time on my last example. Many parents have let me know that they go through a daily power struggle with their children around getting them dressed and ready for school in time. Invariably, they get into a pattern of terrible, upsetting mornings with their children, as they race against the clock in order to get their resistant children cleaned, brushed, fed, and packed up for the day. The problem is confounded because the parents, if they work outside of the home, often have to get the same tasks completed for themselves before they start their day. It can become a time of day that many parents and children dread.
My advice to the parents I worked with has always been to warn their children that they will go to school in whatever state of readiness they happen to be in when it’s time to leave. If they’re still in their pajamas, they’ll be sent to school in their pajamas. If they haven’t eaten breakfast, they’ll go to school without breakfast.
Important note: I always tell parents to let their child’s teacher know what’s happening at home and what they’re planning. Teachers and school personnel should be included in the plan for two reasons. First, school personnel can be helpful and reinforce the parent’s efforts. Second, an uninformed teacher might assume that the child is coming to school in pajamas because the parent is neglectful. Letting the child’s teacher into the plan can prevent a call to child protective services.
Sending a child school in whatever state of readiness they happen to be in when it’s time to leave is a very effective consequence. As well as being a logical outcome of noncompliant behavior, it has the added benefit of having additional naturally occurring negative consequences. So, a child who goes to school in pajamas will probably experience some embarrassment and will avoid that in the future. A child who goes to school hungry will experience temporary hunger, and will try to avoid that in the future. (I know there are some parents out there who will have trouble allowing their children to experience the emotional or physical discomfort we’re talking about here. Remember, neither one of these consequences is fatal, but they’re both highly effective).
E. Bailey wrote about a parent who was having trouble getting her child ready in the morning in Dissipating Power Struggles With Your Children. [Online] Available: http://add.about.com/cs/forparents/a/powerstruggles_p.htm. [2004, October 24]
It’s a wonderful description of what I’ve been talking about. Here’s what one mother did to avoid a power struggle with her son:
Her five-year-old son was refusing to get dressed by himself, crying, throwing tantrums and screaming that he was not able to dress himself, even though he would previously dress himself without help. Mornings before school were becoming difficult at best and a major scene at worst. Each morning she would yell, each morning he would defiantly sit and look at his clothes, refusing to put them on. The mother decided to end this one morning, and instead of yelling, calmly told her child that he could choose to get dressed or he could choose to go to school in his pajamas. Then she walked away and went on with her morning routine. The child continued to cry and yell and she ignored him. Every five minutes, she would update him on how long was left until they left for school and reminded him he would go in his pajamas and bare feet. When she was ready to leave the house, he was at the back door, dressed and ready to go. She hugged him for doing a great job getting dressed and they left.
Fortunately, this mother didn’t have to call her child’s bluff. He complied the first time she tried this. A few things are important to notice:
- This mother told the child the possible consequence calmly and without emotion. This is very important because it sends an immediate message to the child that says, “I’m in control.”
- Once the boy complied, the mother immediately rewarded him with positive attention, rather than continuing to act angry. She sent a very clear message that not getting dressed results in removal of attention and a logical consequence, and getting dressed results in positive attention.
It’s Your Turn:
- How would you feel if your child went to school in pajamas and with bare feet?
- What are the power struggles you’re currently having with your child?
- What strategies have you used to successfully avoid power struggles?
5 comments:
These are great tips! My son is still young enough that we haven't come across any of these problems. Yet.
Our two older sons do not live with us so we do not do the morning routine with them. We have had problems with teachers who give arbitrary punishments because these don't work for our sons (i.e. instead of separating him for talking to his friend in class, he has to miss recess instead. By the time recess comes around he doesn't even remember why he is in trouble!)
I would have no problems sending my son to school in his pjs. Barefoot might be a problem. Aside from living in a neighborhood I wouldn't let him walk barefoot in (broken glass, condoms on the ground) I have this thing about Kentucky stereotypes. I am always assuring out of staters I wear shoes so I don't know if I want my son to go to school shoeless!
I am currently experiencing this power struggle over getting dressed in time for school with my 5 yo son. We have had some transitions recently: 5 month old sibling, new large kindergarten. Did not have this issue with pre-school. So I wonder if this is indicative of some other anxiety. Have tried to engage him in conversation to determine what is actually bothering him, but do not get very much information. Behavior has worsend since school started to the point that there is screaming, crying, full out tantruming. Everything he picks (or I pick) is problematic. Have recently implemented different interventions: picked out clothes the night before, allowed him to pick out his own clothes (when he does not like my choices), used the timer, made a sticker chart, immediate reward when he gets dressed, allowed him to come up with his rewards, pulled in school teacher and adjustment counselor to work together. This morning he went to school in t-shirt and shorts despite cold weather outside. I will try your suggestion not to engage in arguement, reminder of time to leave and will bring him in whatever he is wearing at the time of departure. He is stubborn so he may call my bluff. I hope this will work. He is a sweet boy but mornings have become so stressful for the whole house - I dread them.
Follow-up on the 5 yo. This morning was much calmer. He picked out his clothing the night before (another t-shirt and shorts). We discussed the new plan of action for the morning so he was aware of what was coming. There was no screraming or crying. He did start to have issues with his socks, but the timer went off and I told him that he would have to go to school without the socks. I brought the sneakers with me in the car. When we got to school, he put them on without any tantruming. I praised him, rewarded him and he got to put a sticker on his chart. So we are making progress. Unfortunately, today is picture day but pictures can be retaken. It's better to establish the routine and avoid the power struggle.
Anonymous,
Congratulations on making such great progress! It sounds like your morning was a lot calmer, and even though your five-year-old didn't manage to get his socks on before you left the house, you didn't have a struggle to get them on once you got to school. Go you!
My 5 yo daughter and I have been batteling over her clothes for 2 yers now, and I am at my whits end! Mornings since kindergarten started have become a screaming match to the point where I am pretty sure I have felt chest pains. (I am 32 and in good health.) I am at the point where I have contemplated leaving my husband so that I don't have to deal with this anymore. When she gets on the bus, I end up crying because of the fight we have had, and the horrible things that uncontrollably fly out of my mouth.
I ADORE my kid, she's just a handful when it comes to getting dressed for school.
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